I turn twenty-nine today.

I used to think it was a faraway age that I would never be able to attain. Twenty-nine was really close to thirty, and thirty was old. But here I am, and I don’t feel like I’m getting old. In fact, sometimes I feel like I should still be 16 and sitting at a desk at my high school. I definitely don’t feel old enough or mature enough to be a grown-up, or a wife, or a mom for that matter.

Are we sure this isn’t some kind of mistake?

Well, I guess the need for a grown-up skin care routine shows me that’s not the case. That and the pile of bills staring at me on my desk. And the budget I’m working on for the next month. Or the fact that Addi recently told me that she really likes my vintage music. I was listening to the Spice Girls.

Many of my friends still do not have kids. They live lives of freedom, going out, doing their own thing. Their conversations with friends don’t revolve around the color of their child’s poop or how hard it is to get silly putty out of a kids hair.

But you know what? I’m just going to embrace it. I’m going to embrace the fact that the most exciting thing in my daily life right now is if my seedlings for my garden are germinating or not, embrace the reality that I recently cried over broken knitting needles.

My life isn’t filled with parties or kids free travel, but it’s filled with love and hugs and ketchup covered kisses.  I have a husband I love, a house that I like, and three little souls that make my world go round.

I have my own little piece of paradise right here, and we’re creating this heaven together piece by piece.

Twenty-nine isn’t what I thought it would be. But I think I like it just the way it is.

Life Updating: Moving Forward

I feel like it’s been forever since I sat down to post. So many things have gone on in the last few months, both financial and personal, and my brain has been living in constant overload. If I am being honest I feel like I’ve been living in a cloud of guilt and shame that my financial goals, as well as my household and family goals, are not coming to fruition. And it’s lead to a revolving door of anxiety and depression.

For example, while I am happy to say that we have not taken on any more debt since May, it comes with a sense of shame that it took me that long to get my husband on board with doing so. And on top of that our debt has still increased from then to now because of interest and such, and we’ve also had to pull money from savings several times since May to make ends meet.

We are making progress in our income, the hubs’ business is now up and running and doing good, we started it with no debt, and were even able to pay ourselves a bit each month since our second month being open. I am hopeful that this month we will be able to fully fulfill our budget with income from my job and the business, meaning no more money coming out of savings.

On top of finances, my house is a mess, and my kids are constantly going insane. Flu season is kicking our butts this year. We battled a PICU stay with Austen due to the adenovirus in November, influenza A in Atlas right after that, and so many rounds of the norovirus that I can’t honestly count. I’ve become so desperate I no longer let people wear shoes inside and everyone has to use hand sanitizer as soon as they come in, then I sanitize doorknobs each day. But the everyday clutter? It has me beat.

Basically this a whiney, I can’t do anything right kind of post, and I’m sorry. I want to be upbeat and happy all the time, but lately, I just can’t.

What I can tell you is that I am taking steps to get on top of things. I am human, I fall, we all do. I’m a real mom, a real person, and if you’re wanting to read a blog about a perfect wife, with a perfect house, and perfect kids and finances…well you need to look somewhere else. I will always try, but I will fail a lot and I know that it’s life.

So what am I doing? A new approach to therapy for one. I switched to a therapist who focuses on CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) to get ahold of my anxiety. I think that will be a big thing to allow me to focus on other aspects of my life. If I can get past my ‘stinkin thinkin’ I can move on top more positive thoughts and move on with my days instead of spending all day fixating on one mistake and the next on all the things I didn’t accomplish while I was fixating on that thought (I told you it was a brutal cycle). I’m also working on my internal health. I’m exercising, and making sure to take my vitamins, I’m eating healthier, and taking time to myself each day. I’ve also found a natural antidepressant supplement that I am giving a try, to hope that takes the edge off of my really bad days.

And thanks to marriage therapy (yep, we’re in it and I’m not ashamed) my marriage is starting to improve. We’re on the same page with our finances, we’re going over our budgets and spending together, and we’re starting to get on the same page with parenting as well. Thanks to our awesome therapist we are on the same page in so many areas, where before I don’t even think we were reading the same book…or sitting in the same library. It’s amazing to see what progress can be made when we are working together. Who would have thought?!

Finally, to jump start my new mindset I’ve given up extra spending for Lent. No more picking up this or that in my Target trips. So far I’ve been successful, although I’ve mostly been avoiding going shopping. I did actually go to Target on Sunday and come out with exactly the six items on my list, nothing more. I was very proud.

I think 2018 has some pretty good things in store for me, despite all the muck of the last few years. I’m excited. I’m persisting. And I’m moving forward into a brighter future.