I woke up this morning to snow. The weather man told me yesterday that snow was not the forecast, but the dainty white balls of fluff have been falling continuously outside my window. I do not mind though, snow is clean, it is refreshing, it’s pure. Snow has a way of washing away all that is dirty outside my door and making it new again. Today I need new.
I have suffered with anxiety and depression since I was in high school, but for awhile there I thought I had it under control. My anxiety attacks became fewer and farther between, and when I did have one it wouldn’t take an ativan to make it go away. But over the last year and a half that has not been the case.
Depression has a way of coming in waves. For a long time those waves were small, and I could easily jump over then without my head fulling submerging into their depths. Lately the waves have been coming bigger and bigger though, I can no longer jump over them, they make me feel like I can’t breath.
Maybe my depression is situational, it’s been a hell of a two years after all. Maybe it’s not. What i know is that I cannot handle it on my own anymore. I want to feel better, to be a better mom, a better wife, a better friend. Right now, I can’t do any of those things in the way I want to or need to. I have no energy to clean, to play with my kids, to enjoy moments with my husband. I am on the verge of crying 98% of the time. This is not normal, this is not sustainable. I’m officially waiving the white flag, I’m surrendering, I’m starting therapy.
It’s a big step for me, my one and only therapy experience in the past was less than helpful, and probably actually a tad bit unethical. But I know I cannot to do this on my own anymore, so I have to call in the big guns. I do not want to go on medication, the thought of it makes me cringe, but honestly at this point I’d have a lobotomy if they recommended it. I just want to be me again.
So with all that said I apologize for the lack of posts over the last week. I know I do not owe anyone an explanation, but at the same time I feel like I do. I also feel an tug to be fully 100% honest in this blog. I want to be transparent. And I do not want to ever lead anyone to think that I am a perfect Pinterest post of a mom. I’m real, I struggle a lot, but I also do what I have to keep going.
So here’s to admitting my flaws, to picking myself back up, and knowing when I alone cannot fix the problem. Here’s to new beginnings.